The Two Become One

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.

Officiating my First Wedding

Last week I officiated my first wedding. It was a beautiful occasion and experience from start to finish, and I was honored to be a part of it. My wife and I were asked by our nephew to do premarital counseling with him and his fiancée a couple of months ago, and then subsequently marry them. We were happy, surprised, and told them, of course. We’ve counseled other married couples in the past, but this would be our first time counseling a couple to get married. It was an interesting experience being on the other side of the table. My wife and I did premarital counseling when we were young prior to our marriage, so we had that prior experience. We found the same workbook we’d used on Amazon and ordered a copy for them and us.

As we went through the lessons week by week, it was like a flashback at times, remembering going through the lessons and answering the revealing questions about our lives and backgrounds, our hopes and dreams, our wants and needs. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, as eventually we would hit on topics that warranted a deeper dive and more time to work through a topic. At times, I felt the same angst I felt before getting married. Seeing a young couple address questions and issues they may not have had to address before and staring at a decision that will alter the course of the rest of their lives is no small task. Helping them take on the uncertainty of the future with the assurance that God was with them and that we were too was, in part, stepping into the uncertainty ourselves and praying that God would bring them through it all and bring them to the altar. There was no guarantee that everything would work out, other than both of their willingness to commit themselves fully to each other and to their family, in spite of the worry and uncertainty that the future may bring.

The Weight of Becoming One

The act of two flesh becoming one is no small task. Yet it’s a task that God has called us to from the very beginning.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
- Genesis 2:24 KJV

Right after creating heaven and earth in six days and resting on the seventh, God created a helpmate for Adam, taking a rib from him and forming a woman. The two are to become one again as instituted by God. In the biblical story, we have no idea how much time lapsed, but we know from our own experience that two individuals live their lives up to a certain point, being mostly independent. They’re born into separate families and have different upbringings, unique experiences, and challenges that shape them into the man and woman they become. Some go to college, trade school, or gain employment after college. They navigate life as they best know how, gaining new skills and ways to survive and ways to protect themselves. Then someone comes into their lives, and they are presented with a new challenge. Put aside the individualism that has gotten you this far, and love and care for someone else as if it were your own flesh. This is in preparation for this other person to actually become your own flesh.

What It Means That the Two Become One

When God said the two become one flesh, he didn’t say they were like one flesh, or as if they were one, they become one. First, they become equals. The two become one, not one on top and one on bottom. They walk side by side, hand in hand as one. They learn to listen and value others’ knowledge and input, and learn to trust another human in a way that they may have only done with the parents who raised them. Their word becomes their bond. They gain a new relationship deeper than anyone will ever be able to comprehend. Married people eventually develop their own language and their own ways of relating to one another.

Another thing is that they leave their families and become one. For some people, this means physically leaving the comfort of their home with their parents, or it might mean confiding in their spouse rather than parents. In most cases, they don’t fully sever familial ties. The new spouse will now occupy a place in their lives that the parents used to.

Third, they were naked before each other and felt no shame. In the beginning, they were literally naked in the Garden of Eden, but it can be interpreted as they were exposed before one another and felt no shame. Marriage will expose you. A good marriage will have nothing in between the two. Neither can hide something from the other for too long. It might not be out in the open when they get married, but over time everything will come out. Mind you this is in a good marriage. Purposely keeping secrets from the other is part of the playbook for undermining and ruining what could be a good marriage. It should be all-in on both sides. All cards face up on the table. If there’s anything you’ve done that no one else in the world knows about, your spouse should at least know. That one embarrassing thing that happened somehow, you will confide in your spouse or you already have. It’s vital and it’s biblical that the two are naked and feel no shame.

Marriage as Preparation for Relationship with God

My own feeling is that marriage gets you ready for a relationship with God. You may be a Christian before you get married, but your relationship with God will grow closer through marriage. The more of yourself you put into marriage, the more you will get out of it, and the same goes for your relationship with God. You learn how to love, trust, confide, and rely on someone not yourself. It becomes very easy to look after yourself when you’re single. You learn what you like, and you learn how to go after it and get it. When you become good at it, life becomes a repeating exercise of self-gratification. It becomes fun. But ultimately, gratifying your flesh will lead to overindulgence to the point of being detrimental to your health. We weren’t created to satisfy our cravings for all of our lives. We were created to tend after God’s creation and to be in community with one another and God. It is part of our growth trajectory as humans to learn how to truly love another person and to truly love God, to listen to another person and listen to God, fully trust someone, and fully trust God. Being in a good marriage will bless you immensely and stretch you, and so will it be with a relationship with God.

It Is Worth It

As we went through this experience of premarital counseling and joining our nephew and his fiancée at the altar, I was reminded how it is worth it. Marriage gets a bleak outlook in our world and culture, but it is absolutely worth it. As I watched the tears streaming from my nephew‘s eyes, I could see the relief and joy that he had at the decision to take this step in his life and that he’d chosen someone to enrich his life, and likewise that he would do for her as well. The enormity of the moment is condensed for a moment in tears of joy. All the planning, the uncertainty, the hard conversations, the money spent, and the commitment being made before God and community all come rushing in at a moment as you step forward to join with the love of your life. It is a beautiful moment, and it’s truly worth it.